a year.

Just realized it has been over a year now since my last post.
Wow.

Thinking, and praising, and lamenting for the seasons that have come and gone in this year.

For the wounds that have been inflicted.
For the wounds only my maker could heal.

For understanding the beauty that is opening yourself up to loving others in full knowledge that they will wound you.
That YOU will wound them.
Because we are human. And that is our primal inclination.

I can only love because I was first loved. I have been given such a gift in a partner in life who loves me wholeheartedly and with his whole being. We go on this crazy journey God has planned for us, our hands gripped together so hard that our knuckles are white, knowing all the while that with God we are safe on this journey. Not only safe, but at home wherever God has us.

That for right now is Chicago.

And I love it.
To feel the pulse, the heartbeat, the thriving and the dying of millions all around you.
God is alive here.
God is moving here.

And there are times when I want to shout it.
And times when I know that I do in the smile that I give someone that doesn't expect me to.

Or in speaking to the man who chose to snort cocaine on the train. He wanted me to be mad. He wanted me to be disgusted.

As I prayed ferociously for him, I begged that God would allow my eyes and seemingly insignificant words to communicate

"You don't have to live like this".

As he left the train he knew.

And until everyone knows, our work shall not be done.

God is calling his children back to him.

Human kind yearns for their Father. Their very hearts cry out, whether they are aware or not.

And we who choose to love them. . .
are no more worthy than they.

"And in my best behavior, I am really just like him. Look underneath the floorboards and see the things that I have hid"
-John Wayne Gacy Jr. By Sufjan Stevens

Anthem by Leonard Cohen

Beauty and Truth have resonated at me lately from unexpected places and all directions. . .

"Anthem" By Leonard Cohen

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government --
signs for all to see.

I can't run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they've summoned, they've summoned up
a thundercloud
and they're going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring ...

You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.

Below is something that I had written on November 10th privately. In an effort to be more transparent and an attempt to use this technology thing to create more viable community I am sharing it.
______________________________________________________________

So I am about to record my four songs for Grad school. And I am starting to feel frenzied and harried and all and any sort of twittering a person can possibly feel.

The past multitude of days have come and gone with much heartache and strife and joy and tears and love.

And now I move on.

I tell myself how excited I am to have God "make this decision for me". Because in my heart of hearts I don't know what I want and I am leaving it up to him and his will. I don't know if I am excited though. Impatience seems a better descriptor. I WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE.

Especially with all the changes in these past months. I have a lot of trouble being content with being. I need a drive, a force, an event to plan up to. I must admit though, I have not planned all the holiday festivities outfits yet which is a triumph for me. A bit of a maturing I think. And while I need this event or performance to get to, I so hate the stress it causes on my heart as it is right now. The pitter patter and the uneasy stomach. Do I live for this feeling? Do I live for the accolades that come after the fact? Or do I live for them to be over?

If that is the case, what am I doing spending my whole life prepping for that performance only to breathe the sigh of relief when it is over?

What a contradiction.

I feel that I would be much more content baking cookies and selling old books and clothes and coffee.

But would God not be able to grow me as much then? How much do I gain from each sigh of relief from the frenzy?

How many little bits of wisdom have compiled themselves in my heart? What if each time my heart feels as if it might stop because it is beating so hard, it loses a bit of its fear and it's caution and gains a pearl or better said a vessel of wisdom. Can I look back and define each of them individually? Can I say playing an adolescent Edwardian era boy gave me courage or singing the song of a Prostitute on the run from the Cops gave me strength. Perhaps the defining is not possible for me as the human that I am. Perhaps the defining is God's job. A part of my "naming" so to speak.

If that is so, if each time my heart feels like it might fall out I become more of what God has intended me to be, then this heart will go frenzied on from performance to performance and event to event, until my most important audience calls me to be with him. When I am finally called home.

________________________________

And I think part of the frenzy could stop. If I could fully and ultimately encompass that Christ is my everything (an impossible feat perhaps?) and that I only sing for him would it be there? Or maybe that is why it's there. To remind me of His Glory and
the reverential awe I so often forget to give him. If I could find a way to lie down in it and be embraced by it, what would that look like? And will I ever know?


___________________________________________________________

brief update. . .

being a pastor's wife is amazing and exhausting

we just had an awesome first youth group

Jesus Christ is my Savior and amazes me EVERY SINGLE DAY!

oh fiddlesticks.

it's been such a long time and I don't know where to start.

so for now I'm not going to go back, just mention some highlights of my day!

-Made Chicken Tetrazini from scratch
-Made Macaroons from scratch (OH TO HAVE A KITCHEN BIG ENOUGH TO COOK IN!)
-I got on the elliptical even though maybe I'm not supposed to. . .
-Set an official HOPSTONE date GET READY BABY!!!
-Wrote a song in the car and scrambled up the stairs yelling at Nate "YOU NEED TO GET THE STUFF IN I HAVE TO RECORD A SONG BEFORE I FORGET IT!" Awww, I love an understanding hubby and not looking for a parking place

Thats about it. Sounds boring but everyday now seems to be a jumble of daily routines & getting this place in order. . .will it ever happen?

mere

It's too late for sweatervests. . .

life. . .

As I was driving home yesterday from my second winter retreat in a row, I went to adjust the heat and all of a sudden I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. No one else was going to tell me what it should feel like in the car. I was the only person that could control it. . .wow. Now I have had a car since I was 16 but something felt decidely different. A little tick on the clock from childhood to adulthood ticked to the right. It's little things like that which tell me I am not a child anymore. And it's scary.

Perhaps it was the contradiction of spending an entire weekend as a junior higher. Acting as silly as possible and loving every minute of it. Of getting in trouble as a leader for staying up too late because I was singing all the girls crazy songs about the boys they like! With my ski goggles on all the while. The girls decided I was "crunk" on Jesus.

It was so refreshing. I drank a load of Mountain Dew to keep my energy up and as we were all about to go to bed I started pacing the floor. Maddie our High School leader that came with asked what I was doing to which I replied "A pivotal moment has come. I can go to bed right now, or I can be really crazy for quite awhile, what should I do?" She thought crazy was the right way to go and so I did. I almost peed my pants numerous times.

And I get paid for that. . .

So while I struggle with growing up I get the blessing of hanging on a little longer in doing Youth Ministry.

godisgoodallthetime.