Below is something that I had written on November 10th privately. In an effort to be more transparent and an attempt to use this technology thing to create more viable community I am sharing it.
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So I am about to record my four songs for Grad school. And I am starting to feel frenzied and harried and all and any sort of twittering a person can possibly feel.

The past multitude of days have come and gone with much heartache and strife and joy and tears and love.

And now I move on.

I tell myself how excited I am to have God "make this decision for me". Because in my heart of hearts I don't know what I want and I am leaving it up to him and his will. I don't know if I am excited though. Impatience seems a better descriptor. I WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE.

Especially with all the changes in these past months. I have a lot of trouble being content with being. I need a drive, a force, an event to plan up to. I must admit though, I have not planned all the holiday festivities outfits yet which is a triumph for me. A bit of a maturing I think. And while I need this event or performance to get to, I so hate the stress it causes on my heart as it is right now. The pitter patter and the uneasy stomach. Do I live for this feeling? Do I live for the accolades that come after the fact? Or do I live for them to be over?

If that is the case, what am I doing spending my whole life prepping for that performance only to breathe the sigh of relief when it is over?

What a contradiction.

I feel that I would be much more content baking cookies and selling old books and clothes and coffee.

But would God not be able to grow me as much then? How much do I gain from each sigh of relief from the frenzy?

How many little bits of wisdom have compiled themselves in my heart? What if each time my heart feels as if it might stop because it is beating so hard, it loses a bit of its fear and it's caution and gains a pearl or better said a vessel of wisdom. Can I look back and define each of them individually? Can I say playing an adolescent Edwardian era boy gave me courage or singing the song of a Prostitute on the run from the Cops gave me strength. Perhaps the defining is not possible for me as the human that I am. Perhaps the defining is God's job. A part of my "naming" so to speak.

If that is so, if each time my heart feels like it might fall out I become more of what God has intended me to be, then this heart will go frenzied on from performance to performance and event to event, until my most important audience calls me to be with him. When I am finally called home.

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And I think part of the frenzy could stop. If I could fully and ultimately encompass that Christ is my everything (an impossible feat perhaps?) and that I only sing for him would it be there? Or maybe that is why it's there. To remind me of His Glory and
the reverential awe I so often forget to give him. If I could find a way to lie down in it and be embraced by it, what would that look like? And will I ever know?


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