ERGH. . . I have no discipline!!!

So, it has been awhile yet again. Hence my title. I am really praying for help in that area. I feel like I would really benefit from yoga once I knew how to do it myself and could be in meditation/prayer during it.

I have gotten a lot of reading done though. I really enjoy Madeleine L'Engle lately and want to become a L'Engle scholar like a Lewis scholar, but I don't think that it has been established yet. Nor do I believe she has gotten the credit due for the theologian that she is. She explores and states great theology (in my non-academic opinion) not only in her non-fiction works but also her so called "Children's Books".

I have a new goal in life to obtain all of her ever published works. This is 62.
So for those of you who are ever wondering what gift to bestow upon my person. . . there you go. Most of them are out of print so that is the difficulty or fun depending on how you would like to look at it.

I have also experienced death in a more real way than usual. First Sam Chatterton passed away, an extremely kind man who was a Grandfather to Nate (my husband) growing up, as well he considered Paula, my Mother in Law, a daughter. It was hard. Sam was at our wedding, and at most family functions. Definitely a father-figure that will be missed at these occasions. I suppose seeing anyone cry about their Grandpa is going to effect me for the rest of my life since my Grandpa's death has impacted me the most. But there was singing and joy along with tears. And quite a compliment was paid to Sam as almost everyone of his children spoke of how he was not a religious man, but a man who held dear his personal relationship with Christ. Quite an amazing tribute if you ask me. He knew what was important.

Then my Great Uncle Ron passed away. He was my Grandma Owens, sister Rae's husband. So no blood relation, and not necessarily a really really strong relationship between him and I. However, I have wonderful summer memories of when they would visit. He was extremely tall, with a Vincent Price quality and a staunch democrat, which my Mother always loved. For some reason when I got the call I started bawling. Perhaps for my Grandma going to console her sister, perhaps for my Great Aunt. Perhaps I needed to cry. For a human body gone from this realm and into a much greater one. . .

Thursday perhaps fittingly on All Saints Day late in the evening, I received word that a twenty-six year old young woman from our church had passed away. I assumed it was due to intricate medical problems she had dealt with in the past only to be confused as to why the church hadn't been praying for these problems in awhile, as I thought she had overcome them. Then I found out she had slipped off a chair, hit her head and broken her neck alone in her apartment. . .

I haven't quite come to terms or understanding with the situation. I like to say that God and I are working on it. I realize we are not meant to understand the ways and the whys and the intricacy of the pattern (that's a bit of the Madeleine talking :o) it is important to give credit where it is due!). My humanness wants so badly to understand what her younger brother and sister, a Junior in H.S. and a 7th grader clutching each other for dear life sobbing has to do with our makers divine plan.

So I will work on letting my humanness go and perhaps the part of me that is free from walls and obstacles and needing to see to believe will feel a sense of peace in the unknowing.

mumbles. . .

So I realize that my last post might have seemed dramatic, which was not its intent. I was just being very honest about how I feel in this moment. And I had written it yesterday, and saved it afraid it was too crazy but I am crazy right now. And Lindsay's admittance of spiritual confusion also gave me courage.

In real world talk, I start at the church soon and then will only be working at the church starting September.

Nate starts school at the beginning of September too so it will be exciting for both of us.

We are also thinking of moving to a different apartment where we can just know or think we know we will be there until School is done. But alas, does one ever really know?

Lately I have been having lots of issues with other people. Why does it seem that as soon as you don't care what other people think, other people just get on your nerves? I have been doing a lot of talking to myself saying "God loves them just as much as you" so far this is working, but I don't know for how long. So pray for strength in regards to that.

I don't know what else to talk about because I am having a lot of trouble dealing with things seeming futile to me.

UGH!

until I think of something else to say. . .

p.s. when is it you need a place to crash Natalie? Because I would love it!

Holding on to the mountain by my fingernails.

I have been groaning a lot lately. Not neccesarily audibly but this deep gutteral groaning that takes over your whole being because you are in mourning.



It is so odd to experience mourning when it isn't attached to anything physical. I am not mourning for a lost pet or the death of a grandparent or something ending.



I am mourning for the life I have lived up until now and the lack of groaning of screaming and crying out to a God who is the only thing that can make me whole.



The world has had me in it's grip for 23.5 years now and I am determined to release myself from its bondage.



Don't get me wrong I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember but I have reached a point that I wasn't even aware I needed to reach.



This may sound like crazy talk, and that is fine.



I would rather be insane with Christ than sane with anyone else.



I am not claiming any spiritual epiphany rather a new awareness of what it means to me to be a Christian and a new journey of figuring out what it entails.



Ok.

Back to some sort of reality.



attempting to stay in grace

mere

MY MIND, HEART & BODY MAY BURST!

Oh.
Man.

Cornerstone=The closest we may ever get to heaven on earth.

I miss everyone desperately. That short term experience of true community was amazing yet has become agonizing because it made me realize what it means to have it, this thing we are called to live in and God calls us to it because of how it fills our souls.

I don't really know how to share any one experience, and it would take hundreds of posts to even come close.

It is sort of like when you feel that there are no words to describe God's love.
So I think I will leave it at that.
A glimpse of heaven.

Besides that, it has never felt so good to be thrown around, shaken up, and slammed against a wall spiritually.

We are not called to comfort as Christians. The only comfort we can receive is through Jesus Christ, and I for one am ready to get uncomfortable for the sake of his name.

Anyone with me?

attempting to stay in grace
mere