Tis the season. . .

Hmmm. Christmas is evading me this year and I don't know that I much like it.

I just haven't felt much Christmas Spirit. It just really really feels like an "adult" Christmas this year.

I suppose it will get better once I get home. And once finals are done with for Nate. There is the possibility of all A's! We know for sure that one class that he got an A in and the others are either A's or B's. I'm so proud of my hubby!

Lord please just bring your peace upon me and those in my life. For all those hurting around this world, help to remind them of this great Joy you brought to us in your son. Take away the lights and commercialism, and the gifts and give us YOU.

-Mere

Oh how the years go by. . .

Two years ago today, I became complete before God and my family in friends in a more amazing way than I ever could have dreamed.

God is good. . .

all the time.

ERGH. . . I have no discipline!!!

So, it has been awhile yet again. Hence my title. I am really praying for help in that area. I feel like I would really benefit from yoga once I knew how to do it myself and could be in meditation/prayer during it.

I have gotten a lot of reading done though. I really enjoy Madeleine L'Engle lately and want to become a L'Engle scholar like a Lewis scholar, but I don't think that it has been established yet. Nor do I believe she has gotten the credit due for the theologian that she is. She explores and states great theology (in my non-academic opinion) not only in her non-fiction works but also her so called "Children's Books".

I have a new goal in life to obtain all of her ever published works. This is 62.
So for those of you who are ever wondering what gift to bestow upon my person. . . there you go. Most of them are out of print so that is the difficulty or fun depending on how you would like to look at it.

I have also experienced death in a more real way than usual. First Sam Chatterton passed away, an extremely kind man who was a Grandfather to Nate (my husband) growing up, as well he considered Paula, my Mother in Law, a daughter. It was hard. Sam was at our wedding, and at most family functions. Definitely a father-figure that will be missed at these occasions. I suppose seeing anyone cry about their Grandpa is going to effect me for the rest of my life since my Grandpa's death has impacted me the most. But there was singing and joy along with tears. And quite a compliment was paid to Sam as almost everyone of his children spoke of how he was not a religious man, but a man who held dear his personal relationship with Christ. Quite an amazing tribute if you ask me. He knew what was important.

Then my Great Uncle Ron passed away. He was my Grandma Owens, sister Rae's husband. So no blood relation, and not necessarily a really really strong relationship between him and I. However, I have wonderful summer memories of when they would visit. He was extremely tall, with a Vincent Price quality and a staunch democrat, which my Mother always loved. For some reason when I got the call I started bawling. Perhaps for my Grandma going to console her sister, perhaps for my Great Aunt. Perhaps I needed to cry. For a human body gone from this realm and into a much greater one. . .

Thursday perhaps fittingly on All Saints Day late in the evening, I received word that a twenty-six year old young woman from our church had passed away. I assumed it was due to intricate medical problems she had dealt with in the past only to be confused as to why the church hadn't been praying for these problems in awhile, as I thought she had overcome them. Then I found out she had slipped off a chair, hit her head and broken her neck alone in her apartment. . .

I haven't quite come to terms or understanding with the situation. I like to say that God and I are working on it. I realize we are not meant to understand the ways and the whys and the intricacy of the pattern (that's a bit of the Madeleine talking :o) it is important to give credit where it is due!). My humanness wants so badly to understand what her younger brother and sister, a Junior in H.S. and a 7th grader clutching each other for dear life sobbing has to do with our makers divine plan.

So I will work on letting my humanness go and perhaps the part of me that is free from walls and obstacles and needing to see to believe will feel a sense of peace in the unknowing.

Halloween 2007
You know you love it. . .

My name is John Daker

I feel a little blah today. I don't know if the fact that I might know these people because they are from a UMC in Peoria should lift my spirits or not.

You decide.

height of humiliation-height of happiness

Ultimate humiliation-Trekking to Jewel with thirteen pre-teen girls to buy ice cream and toppings only to get armfuls, get in line, and not have your debit card. Turning around and telling 13 girls to "put back the ice cream" may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. You hear stories of poor mothers being embarrassed with 2 of their children in similar situations, I had 13. Then the lady was extremely rude. And the girls didn't want to put it back they just wanted to leave it, but I made
them put it back.

I felt like I was in Jr. High again. Like I had just completely ruined my first impression and no one was going to want to be a part of my small group because of my mess up (Nate found my debit card in the couch grrrrrrr).

Then we got back and the girls decided we would just eat what we had. Which consisted of

-Strawberries
-Strawberry Topping
-Animal Crackers
-Sprinkles
-Chips Ahoy
-Lime Chips

My heart burst open as I saw girls putting strawberries on lime chips and happily munching away.

Life would go on.

I may have been a little frazzled and a huge chunk of time was to be building the sundaes and talking while we did it, but we did the two games I had planned and played some volleyball (this group of girls loves it so I can't fight it).

Next week we will have a sundae party at the girls house where we are going to meet for the year.

As we were finishing up one of the seventh graders came up to me and said "If we are at the Hunt's house, how will we get the ice cream?" to which I replied, "Well don't you think I better get it ahead of time?" She smiled a big mouthful of braces and said "I like how you think" and trotted off.

They have probably already forgotten that we didn't have ice cream (well those that don't already have the pre-teen tude going on).

I will probably never forget.

But hopefully soon I can at least smile about it.

Back 2 Life, Back 2 Reality

Ahhhhhh.
Sometimes I love to just take a deep breath. To be acutely aware of my body and how it functions. I also love when you haven't really had any hydration for a bit and you can feel the water go down through your chest as it rehydrates you. It is a good feeling.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my time. I feel busy, but not busy enough.

I did a massive overhaul on the apartment yesterday. Pray, pray, pray, that if it is God's will we find someone to sublease our apartment. We really want to move to Evanston. We went and saw the apartments and they are so great! The kitchen even has room for our table which is amazing if you have seen the kitchen we have now.
So if it is to be, I would love it to be!

I am reading the whole Time Series by Madeline L'Engle right now. I started randomly but then decided to do it in honor of her passing. As of now I am on A Swiftly Tilting Planet which is the third installment. So timely, so universal. Her writing continues to amaze me. And it is really making me focus on not losing my ability to fantasize and imagine.

Speaking of fantasizing, Nate and I stayed up late last night to watch Pan's Labyrinth. AMAZING! I think everyone should see it. It is beautiful.

I need to get back to work. Tonight is my first Jr. High Girls Small Group. And for the kickoff, we are doing a big ice cream sundae party, where everyone brings their favorite topping and I provide the ice cream! I am excited to see how many will come!

mere

and the answer is. . .

No.

Stephen called today. I was in the middle of the Broadway Antique Mall with Nate. Anyways he said in lots more words that they aren't 100% sure that they can make me a career because of my less than plus size and because of that they aren't willing for me to take that risk.

Stephen was so sweet. It almost seemed as if it was hard for him to tell me no. He kept telling me that I was lovely and a lovely person on top of that. So that felt good.

Not to say I'm not disappointed, but it kind of kicked me into gear that it is so not about me.

As simple as it may seem, perhaps Stephen needed to meet another Christian wanting to share with him the love of Christ. Perhaps we were to have our short encounter for that purpose.

I should be fullfilled with that.

And I also shouldn't limit this experience to what my mortal mind can wrap itself around.

I'll be honest, I had a little cry, and I'm eating some food that is not so good for me right now, and just being grossly human.

But I have a husband and family and friends and most importantly a saviour that loves me just the way I am.

Besides, something interesting is coming this way. I can feel it in my bones.

soul vs. self

I realized that my "self" was getting away with a lot in the past 24 hours. Wanting things or a specific thing for selfish reasons.

My soul knows better.
My soul knows me.
Might be because Jesus is there.

There is a book I am reading right now called "Traveling Mercies: Some thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott(Natalie I think you would like her a lot!).

It along with supplication from the Good Word (he he), has gotten me through the past couple of days.

Here is an excerpt that seemed to hit home today.

"I started to feel like a tired, wired little kid at a birthday party who has had way too much sugar, who is in all ways on overload, but still finds herself blindfolded and spun around for a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, and then pushed more or less in the direction of the all with the donkey on it. But I was so turned around, so lost and overwhelmed and stressed that I couldn't even remember where the wall with the donkey was- or even in what direction it might be found. So I couldn't take one step forward without there being a chance that I was actually walking farther away from it. And it took me a while to remember that, for me, the wall with the donkey on it is Jesus."

mere

now. . . I wait.

I made the call. So now I wait until Thursday for the meeting. And I am doing surprisingly well. I told the church secretary about it and I think she felt like she was let in on this huge secret and felt special. I also told the rents which was a risky move if you know how things are there right now with issues of what to do with my life.

What I am amazed at is that I made the call. And that I didn't say UM (could be that I wrote out a script for myself, or something like that). And that I have never been more sure that the outcome doesn't matter. I don't have any butterflies just a sense of peace. But also a sense of peace that isn't me claiming success with the meeting, just a "Hey God, I'm here in your hand, so lets go for a ride".

God and me are hitting the road.

But that doesn't mean I know where we will end up!

And I don't know if I would want to.

ringringring

I'm making a phone call tomorrow. That I just need to make. That is all I will say. And hopefully I will have something else to say after the call.

backinthebloggingsaddle

So much has happened that I won't be able to get it all in.

Nate is at Garret now and absolutely loves it. I have to admit that I fall more and more in love with Evanston every time I visit. So prayers about our near future housing decisions would be greatly appreciated.

I am completely done at the store and I am excited for more free time! I am also excited to see how my former boss and I's relationship will develop without the issues of an employee-employer dynamic.

I finally got a streak in my hair. It might seem silly, but as far as things go with my physical appearance, I was always scared to do things that I wanted to do. Kinda goes along with the constant struggle of "what will people think?". So now I have a streak and a slightly asymetrical haircut! And I love it!

Worship went amazing yesterday as well, and for me it was a milestone. It was the first time I was up there doing worship with Nate for the sake of worship. So many distractions of other peoples expectations of worship and situations we had gone through with the church had always held me back. And I just let go and held on all at the same time.

I am so excited about my new job! Jr. High and High Schoolers bring you such an energy! (Which means I need to get in better shape! Guh)
Like I said before HUGE turnout. And I successfully got every single person to fill out an info sheet and got their picture. Quite a feat if you could have seen the mob!

I also look forward for free time to spend with friends. It is especially lovely to get together with Lindsay in the city and with Mackenzie for lunch.

I am going to continue to clean and organize our apartment. It never stops does it! Not when you have SO MUCH STUFF IN SUCH A SMALL SPACE!!!!!

I did purge a lot of junk this weekend though. Let's hope I can jus keep it up!

Pray for me and I will pray for you!
mere

Goodness gracious! It has been awhile. This is my first official week of my new job. Yesterday was an eleven hour day. I'm a little sore. Ha!

But we had an amazing turnout, with a ton of new faces. :o)

I have to start cleaning now though, so I will be back later today!

Thispastweekend&presentweekthusfar. . .

Ay yi yi!

Where does one begin?

Here is a whirlwind summary:
Friday-Natalie, Charity, Lindsay, Flight of the Conchords.

Saturday-Sidewalk Sale, Burnt Neck, The Works of Leonard Bernstein at Millenium Park,Walk to Navy Pier, Pee in the bushes (first time squatting outside in Chicago!), Pee all over back of skirt, walk behind everyone so they can't see I have peed all over the back of my skirt, Get to Navy Pier, eat nuts, watch fireworks, walk looooonnng way back to Redline, go to bed.

Sunday-Mission Trip Sunday, Lunch at the Onion Roll, Goodbye Natalie & Charity,Blueberry Iced Tea & Raisins, Garage Sale, Six Books for a Dollar, Goodbye Lindsay, The End of the Spear.

Monday-First day of work at Church!!!! 2nd day of no caffeine in the morning (eek), Had to get up at 6:00 a.m. to beat traffic, Turkey Stufing Sandwich Discovery!, Joy of seeing so many kids at VBS and Ready Set Go.

Tuesday-Work at the store, pretty good day for a Tuesday alone.Finished the HBO series CARNIVALE very sad it was ever cancelled :o(.

Wendesday-2nd day of work, OVERHAUL on the His & Her office Nate and I are sharing, Ready Set Go, Peanut Butter & Honey, Lots of Water, Lots of Peeing (in bathrooms).

Thursday. . . still to come!

I suppose my favorite part would be perhaps you have dabbled in drugs!

You Are Surrealism

Dreamy and idealistic, you've created a world that is all your own.It's very likely that you've either dabbled in drugs or are naturally trippy.You are always trying to push beyond the boundaries of your culture and society.You believe that art, love, and freedom can change the world.

When you're having fun. . .

It is always interesting to me how time can really fly by.
Cornerstone was three weeks ago Wednesday.
WHAT?

I'm sure I have said this already in my blog but being an adult just makes time fly by.

So here is the rest of my summer.

July 29th-Entire youth outing at Dana's Parent's Lake House.
August 1st-5th-Babysitting the Chattertons! :o)
August 5th-Nate preaches in Knoxville
August 12th-Nate preaches at RFPres
August 24-26-Praise Retreat
August 31st-Sept. 1st Bree's Wedding

So August is pretty full, but I am glad. We have been gone so much that the Summer hasn't felt utilized very much.

Things I want to do before Summer is over.
-Get to the beach (I plan to do this tomorrow! :o) )
-Get to the Museums
-See a movie in the Park
-Have more fun downtown
-Get to Six Flags
(can you believe Nate and I have never been to an amusement park together? What?!?)
-Get some sort of color on my pastey self, which the beach should help with.
-Go to some more local music things.

Alright I am off to dive into the world of high end retail.

(I never learned how to dive well, and that might explain a lot)

mumbles. . .

So I realize that my last post might have seemed dramatic, which was not its intent. I was just being very honest about how I feel in this moment. And I had written it yesterday, and saved it afraid it was too crazy but I am crazy right now. And Lindsay's admittance of spiritual confusion also gave me courage.

In real world talk, I start at the church soon and then will only be working at the church starting September.

Nate starts school at the beginning of September too so it will be exciting for both of us.

We are also thinking of moving to a different apartment where we can just know or think we know we will be there until School is done. But alas, does one ever really know?

Lately I have been having lots of issues with other people. Why does it seem that as soon as you don't care what other people think, other people just get on your nerves? I have been doing a lot of talking to myself saying "God loves them just as much as you" so far this is working, but I don't know for how long. So pray for strength in regards to that.

I don't know what else to talk about because I am having a lot of trouble dealing with things seeming futile to me.

UGH!

until I think of something else to say. . .

p.s. when is it you need a place to crash Natalie? Because I would love it!

Holding on to the mountain by my fingernails.

I have been groaning a lot lately. Not neccesarily audibly but this deep gutteral groaning that takes over your whole being because you are in mourning.



It is so odd to experience mourning when it isn't attached to anything physical. I am not mourning for a lost pet or the death of a grandparent or something ending.



I am mourning for the life I have lived up until now and the lack of groaning of screaming and crying out to a God who is the only thing that can make me whole.



The world has had me in it's grip for 23.5 years now and I am determined to release myself from its bondage.



Don't get me wrong I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember but I have reached a point that I wasn't even aware I needed to reach.



This may sound like crazy talk, and that is fine.



I would rather be insane with Christ than sane with anyone else.



I am not claiming any spiritual epiphany rather a new awareness of what it means to me to be a Christian and a new journey of figuring out what it entails.



Ok.

Back to some sort of reality.



attempting to stay in grace

mere

MY MIND, HEART & BODY MAY BURST!

Oh.
Man.

Cornerstone=The closest we may ever get to heaven on earth.

I miss everyone desperately. That short term experience of true community was amazing yet has become agonizing because it made me realize what it means to have it, this thing we are called to live in and God calls us to it because of how it fills our souls.

I don't really know how to share any one experience, and it would take hundreds of posts to even come close.

It is sort of like when you feel that there are no words to describe God's love.
So I think I will leave it at that.
A glimpse of heaven.

Besides that, it has never felt so good to be thrown around, shaken up, and slammed against a wall spiritually.

We are not called to comfort as Christians. The only comfort we can receive is through Jesus Christ, and I for one am ready to get uncomfortable for the sake of his name.

Anyone with me?

attempting to stay in grace
mere

Itching to get going. . . .

How close is Cornerstone?
SO CLOSE!
3 DAYS!

Ahhhhhhhh!

I can't wait. It is going to be the perfect vacation to revive my spirit, body and mind!
Who needs a spa? NOT ME!
Give me dirt and grass and community and music and passion for Christ.
I, like Lindsay, am developing a bit of a Hesstopia problem. . .
But I refuse to apologize for it because I could be on Facebook or MySpace and this is at least prepping me for an amazing experience.

Nate hasn't gotten into it.
He was watching me at the computer yesterday and was just like

"Yep, that's your third time on there today."

It was only 11:00 a.m. thus a little bit of a problem.

I can't wait to camp out either.
It's funny because Nate and I actually fell in love in a tent where Michelle and I were separated from him, Miles & Andy, by a little piece of nylon telling bad jokes (a certain genre, if you want to know ask).

And this will be our first time in a tent again since then!

Sigh.

Lindsay introduced me to the Bourgeois Pig yesterday and it was delicious.
A tad expensive but I think we got our moneys worth by how long we stayed and talked!

God has really blessed me with this friendship.
Don't blush Lindsay! :o)
However I did want to start crying more than once yesterday as we shared stories of our faith and passion for Christ.
And although it wasn't made official I think we are going to be accountability partners on not giving in to "the man".

It was just enought to tide me over till Wednesday!

attempting to stay in grace
mere

Great things happen when you're wasting time. . .

Now, I will be the first to say that MySpace is a hideous timesucker more than anything else.

However, while playing around on it last night this happened.

I looked at Lindsay's page, then I looked at her song by Rue Royale, which I had already heard and loved, however I decided I wanted to hear some more. So I proceeded on to their MySpace, which led me to find this!

Rue Royale for Free at the Uncommon Grounds!!!!!!!!!

SHUT UP!

Nate and I had just been at an Open Mic night where I had the privilege of hearing Liz Young and Mattie Shottick on their respective guitar and banjo. It was lovely and made me miss going to live music. I just haven't made it a priority and part of my lazy self has been like, "Well, Cornerstone will fill me up soon and for awhile."
Not True!

You can never have enough.

So, luckily Lindsay is still in town so we will go and have a girls night, which will give us FREE music and do good things for the environment in the process.
Could it get any better?
I'll have to update if we try the "Treetinis"

attempting to stay in grace
-mere

I just don't get it. . .

Why is it that when you want so badly not to be a part of this world, that it seems it gets the best of you?

I was trying to find a parking spot, which is not a fun thing to do.
It can take up to an hour depending on the time.
I was well into my second half hour when I saw a car leaing and another car backing up at least half a block to make it there.

I went into survival mode and sped up to try to make it there first.
I didn't so I drove around.
Only to be met with the guy yelling at me indiscernable things.
I didn't know what I had done, got frustrated and rolled down my window, gave the guy a thumbs up, and said
"Way to be a man".
Hmmmmmmmmm.
Why do I do these things? I also find it odd that I find a sarcastic thumbs up my method of road rage.

Regardless it was uncalled for.

So as I circled the block I came upon the man and his wife or girlfriend and child walking.

I rolled down my window and yelled
"what did I do?"
because I honestly wanted to know.

This was not smart.
The response I got was,
"Keep expletive driving you expletive expletive."

I started bawling of course.

It just makes me frustrated and heartbroken that I added to this world that already has plenty of conflict.

Does anyone else feel like as soon as you start to get a grip (or think you do) on one area you are lacking others get exponentially worse?

Just another example of how we aren't made for this world, yet must try to show others the worth in this world and how to live it.

I definetely struck out today.

But thanks to this certain guy who died on a certain cross, tomorrow is another chance to live a life worthy of his sacrifice.

attempting to stay in grace
mere

Face Take 2

So I am currently trying these two new products

Perfectly Clean Splash Away Foaming Cleanser
&
Perfectly CleanFresh Balancing Lotion


Also I was until recently using Clinque and I have some stuff that is not nearly all used if anyone wants it. . . cough, cough, Lindsay, I think you are the only one reading this.

It just seems that as soon as I buy a second round of products my skin says "he he he, shouldn't have done that!"

So my Mom was using this and I tried some of her sample sizes and seemed to like it.
This morning was the first trial so I will try to post back in a week regarding their outcome.

Also I am on the search for the perfect truely waterproof mascara as well as a waterproof concealer, do they exist? We shall see!

Who would have thought. . .

This Book is ruining my life in the most amazing way possible.
I don't suggest reading it until you are ready and when you are, please let me know, so I can go crazy with someone else!

The after. . .

So clearly this isn't the best after picture, I will try to take another one.

However, the way the tan went was this.
I went and had it and it was fine while I was getting it, interesting fact is that the lady who did it used to do all the body makeup for Playboy shoots.

I think I was the first seminarian's wife she had done to say the least. :) Yet it is so interesting how God can use you in the funniest/most awkward of situations.

The first day they spray you 3-4 shades darker than you will be once it sets and you shower.

This day is why I won't do it again, or when I do I will do it at night, go to bed and not go out the next day.

I looked like an oompa loompa that was melting the ENTIRE day.

And this is an understatement.

Plus I had to worry about my bra strap digging in, wearing my purse on the same shoulder for too long, and when it started raining, I literally did start running!

After I showered it off it was much better but because of the first oompa loompa day I just had a complex about it.

Now three days later I am happy with it. Everyone has loved it, and thought it looked so real.

The only negatives are that I washed my face as hard as I normally do and scrubbed most of the color off. So I am having to overcompensate with bronzer. Also, my feet are losing color a little oddly because of wearing socks and tennis shoes.

Basically, it seems to be too high maintenance of a procedure for me.
But I will think about it again if I time it right.
I also wonder if it wouldn't have been better had I not gone from transparent to so so tan.

price-$55.00 plus tip
time-50 minutes (including really really boring drying time)
should last 2 weeks with excessive moisturizing and not a lot of scrubbing.

Overall rating- 4 out of 5 beauty bits

(I am going to start rating more beauty products/services, becasue, why not?)

attempting to stay in grace

mere

Oh Lindsay you and your ideas that make me do things when I should be doing something else. . .

Ok. . . taking direction from lindsaycorinn, (see Miles & Lindsay I can do it! :) )
I thought I would also throw out what I am most excited about for Cornerstone.

BANDS

• Relient K-Lindsay and I can support each other amongst the teens throwing skittles and such
• Cool Hand Luke-Totallly representative of my first summer at East Bay and is the one CD that got me through a very hard time dealing with first hand witnessing of child abuse.
• Anberlin-Because why not.
• David Crowder-Because I never have.
• Mewithoutyou-because love them and I never have.
• Showbread-I get the feeling they would put on a pretty good show.
• Norma Jean & Underoath-Only because I am hoping they redeem themselves in some capacity, from my previous experiences with their not so "shining" behavior.
• Glenn Kaiser Band-Because Nate is sooo excited and it cracks me up.

These are obviously just my top picks, I hope to experience much, much more music.

I will post more about seminars and movies later. I really need to shower and be productive, but ahhhh this day off is glorious!

attemtpting to stay in grace

mere

before. . .

So I figured I would post a before picture since so many people are anticipating the spray tan.

I am more excited about my hair I think but not many people know what I am going to do with it.

Right now Nate and I are watching Carnivale because a whole new slew of episodes is on ON-DEMAND aka the biggest time sucker of my life!!!!

Regardless I reccomend the show to anyone and everyone.

And I realize I am smiling in my picture but I don't believe in making before pictures look completely pitiful.

My attire pretty much does it for me without a face.

attempting to stay in grace

mere

How my fashion philosophy has been formed (to some extent)

My love of fashion started at an early age and I believe can be coincided with my obsession of JC Penney catalogs. At about age 5 I would take the JC Penney catalog into my room and look at all the pages and make up stories in my head about everything.

I would choose outfits I would wear for specific occasions and to this day I can still recall some of them. (I think I suffer from “selective” photographic memory. Useless information to minute detail I can retain for years, but anything I need to remember like the fact that Seattle is indeed not in Oregon will continue to evade me.)

In particular there was a black dress. This lovely slender woman with long blonde hair, long legs and a toothpaste smile wearing a large brimmed black hat was leaning against the side of a building, one leg slightly bent peeking out from under her hat with a look that signaled to me anything could happen and she was ready for it all. In my five year old mind this was due to the fact that she was wearing a classic black sheath dress with cap sleeves. In a dress like that everyone must look like that and be ready for the unexpected. But I had to delve deeper. In my imaginary story, I was wearing the dress and with semi realistic expectations had grown up to have long dark not blonde hair. But I had everything else, the legs, the smile the hat. Little did I know then that I would always have baby teeth and that thanks to my mother and father both, calf definition would be something that would always escape me. But as a five year old noone could tell me what I would look like. The only event that I could think of to correlate with a black dress was a funeral. And the only person in my life at the time that I didn’t think I would care if they died was my Grandpa Owens. I had trouble understanding why he didn’t play with me like Grandpa Molloy and why he just sat in his chair watching T.V. during my visits when there was so much to be explored in his old Victorian house (I would learn later that he had had brain surgery, as well as very traumatic experiences during WWII).

So I made up a story that I was off to Grandpa’s funeral as a young woman and perhaps I might meet a man there to help me with my sorrow, but I would tell him I wasn’t really sad that I was just acting because Grandpa was never nice to me. This was all well and fine and my story kept me entertained for a while. Then bedtime came and I was racked with guilt for having Grandpa Owens die in my story just so I could wear a black sheath dress and meet a nice man. One disappointing thing that wasn't worth the guilt was that the men in my stories never had faces because the men in the JC Penney catalog were extremely unattractive in my opinion, especially the underwear models, which didn’t help when I was doing my imaginary wedding night stories (but don’t worry, those didn’t come until I was 6 and a half).

I couldn’t fall asleep, and for about three days I was positive that I was going to kill Grandpa Owens with my imaginary stories and so I would compulsively ask how he was everyday.

The reason it only lasted for three days is because on the fourth day a new catalog came. And my imaginary house needed a new bedroom set, so Grandpa’s death was lost somewhere between maroon satin comforters and country blue duck quilts. I think I chose the maroon for that particular bedroom.

When my Grandpa did die I was a sophomore in high school.

When we got to the hospital he was already pretty much out of it but this would last for oddly enough three days.

When we got to the hospital there were already others there.
It might be wrong to say that I had never really had a relationship with my Grandfather, but I didn’t. There was a hug when I came in and a hug when I left and as I got older I would simply situate myself in the kitchen in front of that TV or on the porch swing to read the newest book I had gotten my hands on.

I would sit paralyzed when he came in to the kitchen from the living room and saw me there, thinking he was going to hit me or something. And my mind would go a flutter with my retaliations from scolding him to throwing Grandmas strawberry shaped cookie jar at the wall, to say to him, look buddy I got the Owens temper too so you better know who you’re dealing with.

Of course my Grandfather never laid a finger on me. My imagination took that route because he had spanked my father and Aunts and Uncles with a belt and growing up I figured he could do it to me as well. Only one time did I start actually moving toward the cookie jar when he came in. Because he got very close to me and then turned the TV down and said it was too loud, even though I knew everything that was going on with the plot line of Murder She Wrote blaring in the living room. He said “it’s too loud” again in exactly the same monotone cigar scratched voice as he ad the first time, and went back in the living room.

I was sitting in his hospital room scared that someone was going to find me out. They would realize I was an imposter and perhaps my Aunt Dana would jump up, point and yell, “you never really loved your Grandpa, get out of that uncomfortable orange vinyl seat, you don’t deserve to sit there.” That never happened though. Instead, during a lull in the conversation, my mother said, “do you want to hold Grandpa’s hand?”

I thought perhaps I could communicate NO to her with my eyes. That for once the mother daughter bond could allow me to telepathically connect with her but good old Mom insisted and I realized that if I didn’t perform this task they would immediately find me out. And what worried me most about that was perhaps not getting to eat at the hospital cafeteria. Call me crazy but with family histories of horrible health and a mother who was a nurse for a while, and a father who was a minister and would make numerous hospital visits, although I only got to go into the hospital on rare occasions. (The majority of the time I got stuck in the Omni with my older brother Brian and I was left to his what I considered evil torture, but I would get rewarded for good behavior with a Nehi soda. Even then I could convince myself that cheaper things, close to generic sodas, could be just as spectacular if I just willed them to be. I can still do that with Payless shoes if I try with all my might.)
So, I developed an appetite for overly processed overly priced things. I especially appreciated the dinnerware that was disposable yet had no insignias, only little abstract swiggles. This unified a lot of the cafeterias as if it was their own logo, the sign of economy bulk bought paper goods.

So I held my Grandpas hand and something happened.
I started bawling like a baby.
Staring at this close to catatonic man who had smoked Dutch Masters and worn zip up boot loafers and turned the kitchen tv down. In that one moment he did have his eyes open. And whatever overcame me was a combination of this.
Of growing up in an instant for being so near to death.
Realizing that this man gave my father life.
That this man was my Daddy’s Daddy, and that he really had loved me regardless of what my imagination or myself had led me to believe.

I leaned over him crying and said
“I love you Grandpa.”

I think one of my Aunts or maybe even my mother saying “well of course you do”.
As if it might have been silly to say that then, like Grandpa knows plus he probably can’t hear you. But I think he did. Because right after I said it he squeezed my hand. And in his eyes I knew that he was saying it too.

His was the first of many funerals I would sing at.
I didn’t get to wear a black sheath dress.
I wore a polyester black top and a paisley print skirt bought from the Famous Barr that had just come to our local mall.
I didn’t meet any nice men, I didn’t get to wear a hat.
But I got to watch my father do the funeral of his father.
And I got to be a skinny white girl in the back of the funeral home singing “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”, something much more fit for Jennifer Holiday, or if we need something more modern to attach it to, Jennifer Hudson .
Nonetheless, I sang it, because it was my Grandfathers favorite song and I cried while I did. It was one time I would perform, not do so perfectly, and be ok with it.


Because having told my Grandpa I loved him, and knowing he loved me was much more happiness and contentment than a $39.99 JC Penney sheath dress ever could have given me.

Besides, now at 23, I would rather have a Chanel one anyways.

(copyright Meredith Hopping 2007)

Oh you lazy Memorial Day. . .

So today did not turn out as planned.

Last night at Youth Group we were playing Kickball and Nate pulled a neck muscle. We were up most of the night with him in pain and then this morning he was having trouble movin his left side at all.

We were supposed to go to the Kooser's house for a picnic/cookout. Apparently it is this tradition that the whole church goes to. So it would have been a great chance to fellowship without the pressures of work. But poor Naters is still in so much pain. He is finally sleeping which I am thankful for, because it was too hard for him to get comfortable before now.

I did however get SIX loads of laundry done. Which lindsaycorinn can attest needed to happen.

Tomorrow I work but it is my only day of work for the week. WHAT? I know, I love work but this is going to be a nice little mini vacation.

This is my week.
Tuesday-Work from 11-7:30
Wednesday-Haircut, Get anything I need to get done for Will's Graduation which I hope to see a lot of people at!
Thursday-SPRAY TAN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH! I am getting more and more nervous! Then I have a voice lesson and we leave immediately for home. Which then Nate will meet the D.S. to discuss canidacy issues/scholarship money available! YEAH!
Friday-Mani's & Pedi's with Momma, decorating the house and actual Graduation.
Saturday-FIESTA WILL!
Sunday-Back to church!
My when you get older a week goes by so quick!
Check ya lata!

attempting to stay in grace
mere

I am a lucky gal!

Have I mentioned lately how amazing this man is! The cat is one of my favorite people too, however the cat doesn't make me lovely lunches to take to work, or write me love songs, or be my soulmate. Don't get me wrong, I still love the cat.

Always so much to say. . .

I really wish my brain could just be directly linked to this or some other recording device. Then I wouldn't lose so many of my "brilliant" thoughts in the time between thinking them and getting to this. Anyways, I meant to post the other day about an amazing blessing.
A lady had come into the store with her daughter who was graduating high school to find a dress for graduation. They found one that looked adorable on her and was the color required. Then the lady asked if I could hold it for a while because they had just bought her prom dress and couldn't afford this one right now. My heart broke and I wanted to be in a financial position to just give it to her. That is what I can't wait for about being even stable financially. The chance to do things like that. I told her I would do my best since we are really only supposed to hold until the end of the day. In between the time they could get it and their initial visit, Dina decided to mark them down, like the day before she came to get it! I was thrilled! When Elizabeth the mother came back and I told her she looked like she was going to cry and said what a blessing it was! So we got to talking and she and her daughter live alone and go to Willow Creek. It just felt so good that they were so excited about it and in a small way we helped them out.

Today is another alone day. :o(

Maybe something eventful will happen!

attempting to stay in grace

mere

So Jenny is working with me today. Currently she has run to get me coffee for the second time as I feel like the walking dead for some reason. I definetely got enough sleep, but it is definetely slow, so I feel like that adds to it.

So next week I get my hair cut and get my spray tan. The spray tan is something really silly that I wanted to do with part of my bonus, you stand there naked and someone sprays you. I am a little scared but I feel like it is worth a try and much more healthy than laying out. I am telling everyone because if I end up looking ridiculous, at least there can be some humor that comes out of it and thus joy for others. I will be sure to post before and afters.

I am also enjoying the new dog walker tremendously! His name is Dan and he is very mellow, was a creative writing major and just like minded on an art level. We started discussing how good Home Run Inn frozen pizza is, even though it is expensive for frozen pizza and then we both realized I probably shouldn't talk about "expensive" frozen pizza, when women are buying $300-400 items of clothing.

more later, Jenny is back with my COFFEE!

And off we go!

So today is my first day of work that begins the long stretch! I am just hoping we have a really good week. I always like to do well when Dina is out of town, so that she can feel assured the store is in good hands!

Last night was Youth Group, and it was energizing and draining all at the same time. We were playing chair-ball which is sort of like basketball but you have people standing on chairs at either end and the goal is to make the person for your team catch the ball. Mary Therese a girl with down syndrome was playing and everyone is always really good at paying attention to her and making sure she doesn't get hurt. However she definetely got slammed in the face and everything was put on hold for a few minutes. The leaders crowded around her and then I went over and said "Hey Mary Therese you are playing amazing you are just crazy out there!" And all of a sudden she was playing again. It's so funny how the mind works, depending what we choose to focus on.

So often I wish I could have Mary Therese's honesty and drive. If I could just focus on the positive, I wonder what I could accomplish. (With a lot of help from the J-Man of course!)

In other very exciting news Paul (the Youth Minister at Church) got in the job description for what my position would be. Which means things can just keep moving forward. The offer of this job was such a blessing, especially after the disappointment that was the Children's Museum (which I will write about at a later date).

I have a lot to get done with Will's graduation in two weeks and all. And I think Nate and I are going to stay put and paint the apartment which I am excited about. I am hoping maybe Dina will let us stay at her place while we do it, just to avoid the fumes, and her apartment is gorgoeous and right downtown so it would be a fun little escape!

If anything else crazy happens today I will update. . .so until then.

attempting to stay in grace

mere

Back in the saddle

So, I must admit, I did one of these my freshman year of college but good ole Lindsay Corinn got me inspired again!

So, today I had a day off. Which was nice, but not really a day off, because I scheduled a voice lesson, and Nate had praise team rehearsal. However did just awake from a glorious two hour nap.

This next week I will pray for a lot of strenght and endurance because my boss is in Paris so I am working every single day until next Sunday. OOFTAH! But it is alwas nice to have the hours and to save money.

Tomorrow will be a long day to start the week too. We have church in the mrning, then I leave church early for work, then I leave work and go back to church for youth group.

I must admit I find myself being a little envious of Nate. He is all finished with his first year of seminary, and I have never been so proud of him! But it was my first realization that I don't get a summer break anymore. Welcome to the workforce! It is a little hard to accept. I want so badly to be able to pick up and go to Mama Helle's and just run around the yard and savor the simplicity and the lushness of God's Creation. That place feeds my soul and my brain and my heart. We are planning to go to Cornerston of course, but I don't know if we will make it there before that, and it saddens me. Nate will be down there every so often to help Uncle Rod and Grandpa work on the hunting lodge. It is a project that I am praying works out for all involved.

Also, call me a dork, but Nate and I are getting ready to purchase a tent for Cornerstone. YEP! After 23 year of doing without, I am going to make it there! I am sooooooooo excited! Not just for the shows (because I am already almost peeing my pants for Cool Hand Luke), but for the seminars too! Nate is really excited about a Zombie one, and there is a C.S. Lewis one that I am really looking forward too.

attempting to stay in grace

Mere